Not yet.

 

“I am commenting here instead of putting this on FB, because I assume part of your courtesy in your blog is to protect the journeys of other women struggling that you know.” I couldn’t have said it better. This is the comment that my sister-in-law left on my previous post. For those who are wondering why I am choosing to only share on here, this is it. Being infertile is hard. Seeing other peoples successes is even harder. I share here because I know how hard it is to see people post about their pregnancies.

Things that go through my mind as an infertile who has had prior failures and a positive HCG test:
– Is it going to rise properly?
– Is it ectopic?
– Why don’t I feel anything today?
– It is DEFINITELY ectopic
– Oh, numbers look good? For now.
– Still could be ectopic
– Why can’t I have an ultrasound earlier to make sure everything looks okay?
– Seriously, I haven’t felt anything in like 5 minutes. It’s going to fail.
– Can I do that?
– Can I eat that?
– I need to eat that!
– Is it time for food? Is the desire for food just in my head, or because the embryo(s) wants it?
– *googling* What are the signs of ectopic pregnancy

 

I went into my clinic on Friday for a third blood test. I assume that when you get pregnant naturally you visit your ob once and have your blood drawn that day and that day only. It may seem a bit excessive then for those of us who don’t get pregnant naturally to go every 2-5 days for a blood draw. I personally don’t mind, as it lets me know how things are progressing. Infertility does some strange things to you.

My first HCG test was 570, my second 1610 and my third 4762. The third one is much lower than I was anticipating. I was thinking that it needed to be around 6400 or more, but my doctor seems confident in that number. *** A quick edit: I’ve just Googled about HCG levels, and after 1200 they are supposed to double every 72-96 hours. That means that I am on the right track, not falling behind as I first thought.*** My medications have all stayed the same, which is kind of a bummer as I was hoping to reduce my progesterone injections.

A note about progesterone injections: They hurt. They are uncomfortable. They make your butt very lumpy. They last until between 10 and 12 weeks of pregnancy. Which means, if successful, I have another 5-7 weeks of them.

 

I’ve noticed that there are a few people who are very excited about me having positive betas. You may have noticed that I still use the phrase “if successful”. A few positive betas in no way guarantees a successful, 40 week pregnancy. I have to keep my expectations in check because I know first and second hand that we do not yet get a take-home baby. There is still a large chance that we don’t get past 12 weeks. About 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage by 12 weeks. I am currently 5 weeks and 3 days. There are still a lot of days left until 12 weeks.

 

So, when does it become real? I don’t yet know, as it doesn’t feel real yet. Maybe once we have an ultrasound? Maybe once I start to show? Maybe once s/he/they start moving around? Maybe none of those. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.