2014 is nearly over. It has been a busy, full year. Many ups, and some downs.

January started off with a trip to Sears to buy a treadmill. I started running regularly, and bought my first pair of just-for-running shoes. Looking back at some of the posts about it, I realize how far I’ve come in 12 short months. I did my first 5K in several years, and did it in 37 minutes and 14 seconds. I signed myself up for the Disneyland 5K, and signed David up for the 10K. I also got my first Fitbit! David and I started prepping for a day-long Disneyland challenge, the MiceChat Gumball Rally. I gave my boss my 12 weeks notice so I would have time to train someone before leaving. And cat and Disneyland.

February started off great! I got my first 50 floors in one day badge through Fitbit. David and I signed up for the first obstacle race of the year: Warrior Dash! February saw my first sub-30 5K. It also saw my first 8 minute mile. I did my first 10K in an hour and nine and a half minutes. It was also when I started doing intervals at the track. The tickets opened up for the Gumball Rally, and we signed up! Vacation plans changed like crazy! And cat and Disneyland.

March began with testing out running outside. It went rather well. My running miles kept going up while times kept going down. I was feeling so confident that I started checking out other races in the area. I found one in Temecula that had a 5K and a 10K, and I signed David and myself up for the 5K. We had several other family members sign up and run as well. March also saw the end of our 28 year old heater and air conditioner. They were leaking carbon dioxide into the house when they ran, so they had to go. March also saw us expand our theme park horizons. We visited both Six Flags and Universal Studios, the later of which we got a year long pass for. March 31st was my last official day at work. And cat and Disneyland.

April started with some mud. David and I ran in the Warrior Dash this month. It took us a while, but it was fun. It also inspired David to sign up for a Spartan, which is like Warrior Dashes big brother. I had my for-real last day of work this month. I was excited to move into the next chapter of life. For the first year and a half of living in our house, we had no doorbell. That was remedied in April. At the end of April we participated in a big family race, consisting of David and me, and a bunch of in-laws: mother, father, sister and niece. It was amazing to run with them! David and I took second place in our gender and age divisions for the 5K, and sil took first place in hers for the 10K. We also started trying for a baby in April. And cat and Disneyland.

May was a month of travel! We started off the month with the Gumball Rally. It was our first time doing it, and we got 10th place, which got us medals! We got our new heater and air conditioner installed. I got Fitibit numbers 2 and 3 when our original ones started to fall apart. We also finally paid off my car! It felt so amazing to do that. I also planned an amazing surprise trip for my mom for Mother’s Day. We both flew to Georgia and met up with all the women who are related to my granma and drove to southern Georgia for a 4 day visit for me, and a little over a week visit for my mom. I discovered a little race called the Big Sur International Marathon, and found out the had a relay option for the marathon. I got in contact with my running family and they all agreed to it! And cat and Disneyland.

June was anniversary month! David and I had been married 4 years at the beginning of June. It sure went by quickly. June was 6 months of consistent running for me. I was amazed with how far I had come. We also participated in a “locked room” game, where you get clues and have to figure them out to unlock the door. June was also a month of travel. We began a week and a half motorhome vacation to Utah with a few family members (okay, like 9). And cat and Disneyland.

July saw the conclusion of our motorhome vacation. We visited several National Parks and had a great time! On one of the days I got over 35,000 steps, my first and last time doing that. David turned 28 this month! I learned how to french braid my hair. I had my first ever double-run day, consisting of a treadmill run and a track run. It was also a sickie month. David and I both got pretty bad stomach bugs, though David’s was much worse. I had my first jury summons in about 6 years (though I had postponed it from last October). David had a jury summons too! It also had my first blog post in July, detailing our journey to try and have kids. And cat and Disneyland.

August was the start of fertility treatments. I got a diagnosis for why I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet, and a plan for making it happen. It was also the start of visiting Newport Beach and paddleboarding. I signed up to be a coach with Girls on the Run! I did a 5K test a few weeks before the Disneyland 5K and ran it in just over 26 minutes (back in January it was over 37). I had my first ever visit to Griffith Park for a long walk/jog/run. I rediscovered a love of reading and the library. I borrow more library books this month than in the previous 5 years! At the end of August I ran in the Disneyland 5K with a time of 28:27. David ran the 10K with a time of 49:49. It was also our first stay at a Disneyland hotel. And cat and Disneyland.

September started with a Girls on the Run training day. It was fun to learn about what would be happening for the next several months, though I was a bit surprised when I was asked to be head coach at my school (I grew into the role). Practices started toward the end of the month and we quickly got into a good rhythm. It was also a very hot month, filled with lots of air conditioner. I did my first 9 mile run in preparation for a half marathon. I also bought my second pair of running only shoes. At the end of the month I went on a cross-country road trip with my mom and brother to visit my granma one more time. I’m glad we were all able to go and visit her before she passed in November. And cat and Disneyland.

October was the month of races. I ran a 5K while we were in Georgia, David and I did a half marathon in Long Beach and David did a Tough Mudder. It was my fastest ever 5K at 25 minutes and 55 seconds. I’m very proud of that time considering I was doing half marathon training and I was not at all used to running in the humidity. I ran the half marathon in about 2 hours and 15 minutes and David ran in about 2 hours and 25 minutes. David completed his Tough Mudder without a trip to the emergency room! I turned 25 this month! I signed up for a New Year’s 10K, to be held on January 3th in downtown Los Angeles. I also signed up for a 5K while everyone else is marathon relaying in Big Sur. And cat and Disneyland.

November was a great and horrible month. I finally got pregnant, and subsuquently was told I’d be having a miscarriage. On the upside, I learned to crochet. I registered David to run in the Girls on the Run year end 5K. And cat and Disneyland.

December started off pretty crappy. It sucks when you’ve spent time and money trying to get something and its taken away from you. I finished my first crocheted baby blanket and two scarves for Christmas presents. David ran in the Girls on the Run 5K in my place. I got to give the girls their medals as they finished. We had our last practice and had to say goodbye to the girls for a few months. Our Christmas decorations went up super late this year as we were dealing with other things, which is a bummer because we both love the lights. I got my third tattoo, a poppy flower on my foot. My first and last foot tattoo. We saw the Newport Beach boat parade for the first time. It was super cool. And cat and Disneyland.

We’re looking forward to 2015. Our main goal of the year is to become parents. We’ve also got several races to prep for and we’ll probably sign up for others.

So I haven’t actually had 500 needles in my arm, but at this point it sure feels like it. Every time I have to go back to the clinic for a blood test I feel like breaking down and sobbing. I’m hoping that this is all over soon.

Today was yet another blood test. I don’t know why but I was expecting good results. Luckily my numbers are good and I don’t have to get any more shots or blood tests for a while! I’ll know tomorrow when we’ll be able to try again.

If you had asked me a year ago, I would have considered myself a generally happy and nice person. Infertility has turned me into an angry, mean person. The really crappy thing is that since I’m home all the time, really the only person who has to deal with it is David, which means I’m bitchy and mean to him. Another crappy side effect: for a lot of the day I feel like I’m on the verge of tears.  It’s not an enjoyable thing, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

Its like the great John Mellencamp said: Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

When I last left you I had just gotten the news that I’d need to go back in for a second methotrexate shot. I did that last Wednesday, and all went well.

On Thursday I got a bit of a surprise when I started bleeding. I called the clinic to let them know, and they told me it was part of the normal process. I knew what it was leading to. I was prepared to face a miscarriage head on. What I was not prepared for was what it was going to do to my body. I woke up to lots of pain on Friday. At about 8, I phoned the clinic asking what I could take for the pain. Because of the methotrexate I was not supposed to take any NSAIDs, which of course are the only thing that actually help with pain. I took 1000 mg of acetaminophen, hoping it would help. By 10 I was in so much pain I was sitting on the couch bawling. I called the clinic back (since I hadn’t received a call from them), and in a bit of desperation chose the “I’m a doctor or hospital” extension, hoping to speak to a person. I got through and was crying while telling the nurse that I was in lots of pain. Of course my freaking doctor was a jury duty, so she had to page him and have him call me back. When he did call I made David speak to him. Luckily he said to eff it and take 600 mg of ibuprofen. I was so thankful that news! The pain quickly went away and I went about my day as usual (except that David did all the cooking. Such a good husband). I was mostly okay after that, and only had to take 2 more pills to help with the pain. For the rest of the cramps, I chose to use the heating pad (which Cordelia did not mind at all).

I did another blood test today. I was hoping for good news, expecting not good news. My levels last week were at about 212. Today they were at 12. Yay!! That means one more blood test to make sure they go back down to 0, then we should be good to go. Today was also the first time in the last 5 days that I felt like I was able to exercise, so I went for a short walk. I was also told that once I stop bleeding I can go back to running! I’m very much looking forward to that as I have a 10K in three and a half weeks.

 

So there it is. The big, dreaded, crazy, emotional, uncomfortable thing no one wants to talk about: miscarriage. I’m not a science-y person, but I feel as though I’ve approached this very logically. I was checking out some forums about miscarriage, and a lot of the people on them take it really hard. I don’t really feel super sad about it. I guess it’s because of the journey that I’ve been through. I know now that using fertility drugs increases the risk of miscarriage. All we can really do is accept what happened and try again. Here’s to a better 2015!

I went to the doctor again today for another blood test. At least this one did hurt at all. I also had to get a shot of Rhogam because I have O- blood and the methotrexate will cause my body to reject any future pregnancies if I didn’t get it.

I got a call with the results from the blood work today. Numbers are supposed to go down my 15%. Surprise surprise my stupid body, yet again, has no desire to cooperate. That means I get to go in tomorrow and get another methotrexate dose, which means two more shots in my butt.

I’m getting to the point where this whole process is too overwhelming. I’m just about ready to give up on my lame body. I can’t imagine going through years of this and having to do IVF. I would not be strong enough.

 

For those of you who had no problems getting and staying pregnant, who got to do it for free, or who did it unintended, I’m sorry but you don’t know what its like, and your “comforting” words do nothing to help people who can’t feel better.