Hot Cold Hot Cold

Trying to get to sleep while taking a medication that gives you hot flashes is no easy thing!

First, you have to think about which pajamas you want to wear. The air feels a little chilly on your skin, but you know it’s only a matter of time before wearing anything is a challenge. So you pick a t-shirt and shorts.

Then, you actually have to get in bed. Under the covers? On top of the covers? Either way, it must be on my left side. Lets try on top… Nope, too cold. Okay, under… Nope, too hot. Okay, right leg, right arm, side and back out, left leg and arm under… The left side is feeling just right, while the right side is screaming about being stuck in Antarctica and losing some toes to frostbite. So lets try putting the right arm under the covers and leaving everything else where it is now… Okay, this might work… It is getting a little warm, oh but now it okay… I guess I can live with this. Finally, I can think about falling asleep.

Except that now I have to turn over to my right side. Ugh.

And that doesn’t even begin to cover what happens when you have a furnace that wants to smother you!

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The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial (Ignorance)

Before we started trying to get pregnant I had never had a “normal” 28 day cycle. They had always been long and unpredictable. When we started trying, I assumed that it would happen quickly. I was always warned that, with my mother, she got pregnant very very quickly, so the same could happen to me. That was our hope, as we were ready to expand our family. After a few months with nothing, on the recommendation from a family member, I decided to contact my (OB)gyn and see if I could get some meds. I was referred to a special department that let me know my insurance would not cover anything, not even basic testing. I researched a few of the places they suggested, and picked one. We’ve been doing everything through them for the last 9 months.

 

2. Anger

At the first appointment at the fertility clinic (SCRC) I found out how much it would cost, each cycle, to try and get pregnant. That really made me mad. There are teenagers in this world who have sex using no protection and get pregnant. I am a full grown woman, and I have to pay thousands of dollars for a 20% chance of getting pregnant… every month! Full disclosure: I am a Libra. Libras like things to be fair. This is a decidedly unfair thing in my life that I can’t fix, and it pisses me off. I have been mad about this for 9 months, and will probably continue to be mad about it for the rest of my life.

 

3. Bargaining

As I am not a religious person I didn’t do any spiritual bargaining, but I did a lot of physical bargaining. During the first cycle of actual trying, I didn’t run. At all. After that one failed, I decided that I would try altering my training just a little bit. After that one failed, I decided that I wasn’t going to change a thing. I’d keep going as hard and as often as I wanted to. Also failed. There were times when I would try sending positive thoughts to my uterus, the egg and  the sperm. Clearly that didn’t work either. So I bargained with my doctor about changing up my medication. Maybe that will help, maybe it won’t.

 

4. Depression

I think I’ve been experiencing this throughout the whole process. I’m okay most of the time, but any time I see a pregnant woman I hurt a little. I left my job to have a baby or two (or three if David had his way), and so far I have nothing to show for it. And I may never have anything to show for it.

 

5. Acceptance

After the last three cycles and the results of my doctors appointment this morning (very terrible news) I have come to accept that there is a less than 5% chance that I will get pregnant. Have a baby. Be a mother. For those who don’t know, doing one round of IVF without insurance (most insurances don’t cover anything) is about $25,000. Upfront, now. There is no guarantee that its going to work either. You’ll get about $20,000 back, but you’ve still spent around $5,000 on medication that you will never get back. We don’t, and will never have, that kind of money. We haven’t been told directly by our doctor that IVF is the next step, but he sort of alluded that we’ll try once more the way we have been. After that, I don’t know. So I have accepted: a child is not in the cards for us. I will begin a job search and try to live a satisfied life.