1. Denial (Ignorance)
Before we started trying to get pregnant I had never had a “normal” 28 day cycle. They had always been long and unpredictable. When we started trying, I assumed that it would happen quickly. I was always warned that, with my mother, she got pregnant very very quickly, so the same could happen to me. That was our hope, as we were ready to expand our family. After a few months with nothing, on the recommendation from a family member, I decided to contact my (OB)gyn and see if I could get some meds. I was referred to a special department that let me know my insurance would not cover anything, not even basic testing. I researched a few of the places they suggested, and picked one. We’ve been doing everything through them for the last 9 months.
At the first appointment at the fertility clinic (SCRC) I found out how much it would cost, each cycle, to try and get pregnant. That really made me mad. There are teenagers in this world who have sex using no protection and get pregnant. I am a full grown woman, and I have to pay thousands of dollars for a 20% chance of getting pregnant… every month! Full disclosure: I am a Libra. Libras like things to be fair. This is a decidedly unfair thing in my life that I can’t fix, and it pisses me off. I have been mad about this for 9 months, and will probably continue to be mad about it for the rest of my life.
As I am not a religious person I didn’t do any spiritual bargaining, but I did a lot of physical bargaining. During the first cycle of actual trying, I didn’t run. At all. After that one failed, I decided that I would try altering my training just a little bit. After that one failed, I decided that I wasn’t going to change a thing. I’d keep going as hard and as often as I wanted to. Also failed. There were times when I would try sending positive thoughts to my uterus, the egg and the sperm. Clearly that didn’t work either. So I bargained with my doctor about changing up my medication. Maybe that will help, maybe it won’t.
I think I’ve been experiencing this throughout the whole process. I’m okay most of the time, but any time I see a pregnant woman I hurt a little. I left my job to have a baby or two (or three if David had his way), and so far I have nothing to show for it. And I may never have anything to show for it.
After the last three cycles and the results of my doctors appointment this morning (very terrible news) I have come to accept that there is a less than 5% chance that I will get pregnant. Have a baby. Be a mother. For those who don’t know, doing one round of IVF without insurance (most insurances don’t cover anything) is about $25,000. Upfront, now. There is no guarantee that its going to work either. You’ll get about $20,000 back, but you’ve still spent around $5,000 on medication that you will never get back. We don’t, and will never have, that kind of money. We haven’t been told directly by our doctor that IVF is the next step, but he sort of alluded that we’ll try once more the way we have been. After that, I don’t know. So I have accepted: a child is not in the cards for us. I will begin a job search and try to live a satisfied life.
One thought on “The Five Stages of Grief”
Feeling for you and the whole family as it would be fun to watch you two be the great parents I know you could be. Keep all options open. Love you.