An Infertility Journey Update; Protecting My Heart

Hold onto your hats, this post is gonna be a two parter!


Part 1: An Infertility Journey Update

At this point I like to think of it as more of a trek than a journey. Journey is too nice a word. Trek sounds tough and challenging, which is how life has been for the past 22 months.

Yup, we starting trying for a baby nearly 22 months ago. Wow. Looking back I was so damn naive.

As for what is going on now, we started a new FET cycle on January 21st. That means we did more tummy shots, more baby aspirin and more estrogen. If you remember my last post about estrogen pills I made it sound pretty horrid. Luckily, this time around has been much easier. I definitely feel less cray-cray, and I feel that I have a better handle on my emotions overall.

I went in for my third progress ultrasound with no expectations at all. I was figuring I’d have to go back later this week for another one. I was therefore totally shocked when I saw the measurement on the ultrasound. 8.2. Wow. Last time around my lining only got up to 7.9 before they started me on progesterone and had me do an HCG shot. I am amazed that my lining grew so well this time. And I’m still going to grow it for another few days before the HCG shot and start of progesterone. I believe that I will do both on Thursday. My doctor is currently out of town, so we’re delaying the transfer until he gets back.

As of this afternoon I am scheduled for a transfer on Tuesday morning. We will again be transferring two snowflakes (a term in the IVF world for frozen embryos). My mom has rearranged things in her schedule to come up and take care of us during my 48 hour bed rest sentence. Yay!


Part 2: Protecting My Heart

One of my cousins once told me that during this process it was important to protect my heart and I agree completely.

For those who aren’t infertile, pregnancy and babies are things to celebrate with lots of happiness. For those who are, however, both of those things can, and generally are, extremely hard to handle emotionally. I know that it sounds like I’m being “dramatic”, but infertility is P.A.I.N.F.U.L. It hurts. All the time.

For me personally, being around pregnant women and babies is very hard. I love love love babies, but hurts me to see them, especially when they’re cute. It’s even harder to see pregnant women, knowing how terribly I’ve failed at gaining that for myself.

Here is my most recent example: At David’s company they do birthday dinners for all the employees, and spouses are invited to go. I knew a few weeks ago that one was coming up, and I was seriously dreading it. Why, you may ask. Because none other than the birthday girl herself is pregnant (if you’re reading this, sorry J if you’re offended by me writing about this). I was very seriously considering skipping this one, as I knew I would be at the peak of my medication, which makes me extra emotional. I texted David that morning asking how late I could let him know if I wanted to go or not. He said 4. I texted at about 3:45, letting him know that I was feeling good enough to go. It took a lot of courage for me to say yes, knowing that I would have to see her for at least two hours and possibly have to hear about her pregnancy.

Luckily, I found a great way to cope. My thoughts through the whole night surrounded around “don’t look, don’t touch”. I just kept reminding myself to look only at her face. I’m very thankful she didn’t sit next to or directly across from me, as I would have had to get up and sit somewhere else. I definitely felt a little sad, but it surprisingly wasn’t bad. Then the part I was most not looking forward to: saying goodbye and hugging. I was extremely careful to just hug around her shoulders and keep my body a safe distance away. And to my delight there was no contact! (Sorry J!) This would have normally been a very emotionally sucky night that would have ended in tears, but not so this night.

I’m hoping that this new found information will make life just a touch bit easier.


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